What now?  (continued)

I had only begun to contemplate what retirement might mean to me: leisure strolls through quaint little towns, early morning fishing trips, exploring the Redwoods in California or staring into a star-lit sky in Wyoming.  These hints of a relaxed, comfortable life with my spouse were just beginning to take shape.

A mere two months slipped by before the waters muddied.  My spouse’s heart attack wiped the board of expectations with one quick swipe, leaving only a bleary film of what might have been. 

Blessed is the only word that describes the reality that my husband’s life was spared.  Not once, but twice, his heart stopped.  A skillful hospital staff, a magnificent defibrillator and the grace of God brought him back to life.

Much like retirement, the first few days were filled with joyous appreciation of possibilities.  Soon, reality set in and changed the direction of my sails.  Survival mode consumed the following year.  Unspoken fears crept into the recesses of my mind until the depths of normalcy were no longer familiar.  Sleep became a gift offered in increments of an hour or two at a time.

Blood pressure cuffs and nitro tablets became the tools that occupied my hands instead of casting rods and fishing bait.  Unexplained chest pain, mid-section spasms, a surge of adrenalin that triggers unexpected responses, sends us to the emergency room.  Instead of deciding locations for our next vacation, we labor over when to call for an ambulance or risk the ten minute drive to the hospital. 

Even the simplicity of grabbing a bite to eat became diminished by the limited selection of food while adhering to a special diet.  The complex balancing and timing of medicines dictate the hour on the clock.  Day trips and weekend get-a-ways are things of the past.  The circumference of our world is limited to the time it takes to reach the Emergency Room.  Doctor appointments fill the squares on the calendar.

There are good days, when visits with friends and relatives bring laughter and distraction from the new norm.  Walking provides a daily source for burning the unused energy that escalates the anxiety building inside.  Sunny days offer an escape drive to the river and provide a break from television and computer games. 

The bearings of my new course have brought many exciting rewards in addition to precious more time with my husband of forty years.  A renewed focus on writing emerged as I became intimate with my laptop.  One book published, Peaks and Valleys, one on the way, Burning Embers.  A friendship developed from the Pen to Paper Writing Club opened new avenues for reaching readers and writers.  I had never read a blog, much less wrote one, before I met author Amanda Bretz.  New possibilities surface on the horizon.

What now?  I have no idea, but I can’t wait to find out!

What now?

 I often ask myself that question when I am sitting still for more than five minutes.  There is a constant need to keep moving, to keep advancing toward an invisible mark on the journey of my life.  Unexpected twists and turns, and retirement, have brought me here, to unfamiliar territory, an area that is sometimes frightening, sometimes comforting.  

What now?  There was no time for contemplating this thought provoking question just a heart beat ago.  Nearly every hour, every minute of my day seemed to be filled with obligations.  A career consumed forty hours or more a week.  An aging parent in the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease squeezed fragmented hours in between.  A husband, pressured into retirement too soon, devoured the crumbs of my day that remained.  Forget the household tasks that beckoned my name the moment I entered a room.  If there were any seconds left, I filled them with volunteer commitments made in the weakness of a pressing moment.

In the dark of night, when all energies were spent and expectations fulfilled to the best of my ability, I’d search for the perfect companion to help me fulfill the passion that ached within me.  A pen that could flow as fluidly as the thoughts in my mind brought the comfort of a lifelong friend.  Whether in a poem or on the pages of a journal, unspoken truths spilled forth like ink from a toppled well.

In some ways, life was easier then.  I knew my roles.  I knew what was expected of me.  There was no need to form a dream, to envision another way of life, to design a plan to fill the hours that ticked away like a time bomb ready to explode. 

My life roles defined me.  I was the supervisor, in charge of an office that never slowed.  I was the care taker for a mother who needed my help.  I was the experienced Girl Scout volunteer who facilitated classes and directed events.  I assumed the matriarch role of the family for gatherings.  I was whatever someone else needed me to be.

Sixty years of adjusting to the challenges of life have taught me to change the direction of my sails when the wind sends me into unchartered territory.  Like a raging river, the course is often filled with obstacles and debris that cause me to detour around my original plan.  Seldom does the route I map out take me directly to my destination.  Decisions made by invisible forces send waves, like the wake of a passing boat, rocking my world and forcing me to reset the bearing of my course.

Congress devises a plan that ends careers.  Nest eggs disappear as the economy falters.  A stroke steals the last breath of a loved one.  Progression alters the direction of an organization obscuring the role of a veteran supporter.  The ripple spreads until the waters no longer settle with the original banks, all the while the heartbeat of the world continues around us as if nothing has changed. 

Like a young pup freed from his leash, I feel a brief moment of ecstasy in being released from the restraints.  There is no need to set the alarm for five o’clock, no need to unlock the office door and position myself to make the tough decisions, to keep the cog in motion.  There is no mother to visit in a nursing home, to pay her bills or buy her goods, to worrying about every waking moment.  A day holds twenty four hours again.

Just as quickly, a sense of abandonment settles in and darkens the sky like a threatening cloud.  I am left with my pen and my discretionary thoughts.

What now?